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November 2011



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Nov. 4th, 2011

tired.. really, really tired.

I have been avoiding facing my journal lately.  I seem to open it up and just start blabbering on and on about things and then resolve to make it better in one way or another, but then reality kicks in and I am a mess at it all.  I do not like being Ambassador.  I think I would have if people would have let me do the job, but honestly, it seems like everyone has been so busy doing it for me I never got the chance.   Leucius said that it would not be easy and that people would want me to fail, it is not that I did not believe him, but there is a vast difference to me between wanting some one to fail and actively trying to cause them to. I have said very little as Ambassador really, but I have heard that I have said so much... 

I have put off writing my report for the month and I need to get that done, I am going to say that I will finish up my term in service to the tower, but that I would not like to be considered to continue at the post.   I miss having fun with my sister, and being able to say what I think with out people trying to turn it around on me. 

If everything I say truly reflect Her Grace and the Tower, then she needs to back off my husband and she is totally right about my sister...

The fest is nice, I just kind of stopped talking to people and stayed close to Allye, it makes it way more fun and no one seems to notice.  I like it better that way.   I want to go thru more and see everything and play more games I think.   That is going to be my focus.  I will finish my duty to the tower, but I am also going to try to get back to being more like me.  I don't like this person that says rude things to people and gets angry.  I miss my sister and my husband and my friends.  I will always be loyal to the tower and fight for Her Grace.  I truly feel like Shard and Ilithi are my home, but, I am not willing to sacrifice who I am to the people that seem to not mind making me who they want me to be, regardless of the truth. 

Okay, fine... I feel better.  Sorry for ignoring you journal <3

On a happier note!  We got the flat decorated and Terrakeet is beautiful. He needs a cage but we are going to have one made for him.  Allye is genius.  I am so lucky.

Oct. 14th, 2011

Hypocritical me...

Things have been so busy, I feel like I have hardly had time to sit down, much less put quill to paper.  I want to record all these things so that when I am old and grey and sitting on bench with Allye, I have something to remember all these things that happened to give me the grey hair.  Not just Uthgaar, it seems unfair to blame him.

I found out that I was a little mistaken about the sword Raenilar used to kill the Ferdahl with, not necromancy but definite sorcery.  According to Ventuul there is some type of S'kra weapon that is similar.  I want to look into it more, but I am kind of weary of it to be honest.   It doesn't change my feeling toward the Baron, he is still a hypocrite and a jerk.

Commander Traim decided to have a "Back to the Sands" party to celebrate the return of the last outcast to the desert.  It is this huge important part of Ilithi's history, and of course, it totally irritated Theren.  They felt we were celebrating the Outcast going nuts, but really it was more about the end of an era.   Allye made up these awesome invitations to hand out and we spent hours and hours handing them out in Crossing and Shard.  I got kicked out of Theren so we did not go up there.

Yeah... kicked out of Theren.   We, Uthgaar, Allye and I went up to the spars that they hold to support Zozzy and Lakus who were planning to fight.  Everyone was really nice to me until some court member of the Barons realized I was there.  He said that he heard that I called the Baron a hypocrite (from Coenard, who is a flargenspittle) and basically told me I was not welcome.  When I tried to explain VALKRI stunned and advanced on me.   I was more upset about ruining things for Marsais, I really like him and I would not purposefully cause him issues.  He and I spoke a little thru the crystal rings and I think we are okay... I hope.

We only hit resistance to the part in Shard of all places,  Diannelle was the one that seemed to take issue with it.  She called me names and such and acted as if she was horribly insulted.  Something about being a poser from Zoulren and not having class,  it means a lot coming from some one that advertised her wares on the the various corners of Shard.  She is the same person that warned my husband to not interact with me years ago when whe first came to Shard.  I do not really care to not be in her favor. 

The party was a success really.   The one shot contest was a lot of fun and the winners kill shot was with a puppy.  It was awesome.   I was hoping for something a little different I think, it seemed like a lot of the people were more interested in thumbing their noses at Theren as opposed to the real reason for the party.  Everyone was really great tho, and it was a lot of fun.  I just hope that the meaning was not lost in the midst of it.

Ironic coincidence, the night of the party was the same as the night that Valkri headed to speak with Raenilar about the return of Macja.  Apparently they feel like she should be revered as a prophet, I guess that is how they deal with mental illness in the Barony.   I got to see the meeting notes and I am so confused by the reaction.  Raenilar threw a minor fit and then basically said "Ok send her back and tell the Baron we are still buddies because it will piss off Ilithi".   I think maybe they all drink some kind of psychotic tea and have lost thier minds completely.

From my perspective, the murderous, vindictive, grudge holding king of the Outcasts, who plowed thru all the provinces and murdered the Ferdahl for a 600 year old debt has decided to be reasonable and accepting about the return of his sister.  The Baron who fought against the Outcasts and was there as an ally to Ilithi and Zoulren had no problem with marrying the Outcast princess and essentially setting her up to take over Therenegia, and, then returned her for being damaged goods. That same baron sits up there all high and mighty acting as if he is better than our Ferdahl who merely met with the Dragon Priest Emperor.   The people in Theren, who were so devoted to thier baroness, are totally okay with just shipping her back.  It all just kind of makes my head spin. 

On top of it all, the White Rose people kind of made a show of not coming to the party.  I understand them not wanting to take a side, but it also seems like they were under the impression we were thumbing our noses at Theren.  I really hope that we were able to clear that up.  They are good friends, not just to the province, but to me.  

I went to the Town Hall meeting in Crossing too.  It went okay, I admitted to saying that the Baron is a hypocrit, since there was all this chatter about it, and I explained that I was speaking for myself, not the Tower, but that the Tower has made its stance clear.  People commented about how they watch what I say and stuff but it was really pretty well recieved.  The funny thing is, if everything I say is a reflection of the Tower, Her Grace apparently thinks Allye is the greatest sister ever and that Uthgaar is adorable with cookies in his beard.  These are facts, obviously, but I am not sure they are things the cross the Ferdahl's mind. 

My hand is starting to get weak and my head is still so full, but I think this is more than enough.  I snuck into the loft here in Hara just to kind of collect myself and I just end up worrying that maybe I am a hypocrit too... ultimately my priorities are not exactly what people may expect them to be.  My family is always first, they are my first and last thoughts.  My home and duty to the Tower are second and nothing I do will change that.  I am very loyal, and I would do anything for Her Grace and Ilithi, but Allye and Uthgaar will forever be my heart.   Maybe I do it wrong, people like Valkri can accept the decisions of the Baron with out question because her first priority is serving him...

Oct. 5th, 2011


stupid theren and the stupid baron and stupid rumors and stupidness

I've been doing some reading.  I know that it may really be too little too late in some ways, there is part of me that thinks that I should have done this a long time ago.  But, in my own defense, Theren is not really supposed to be my focus, and you do not grow up hearing stories and not just believe that they are true, especially when the person telling them is Akariss.

I always knew the Outcasts were horrible, but I guess I never realized the extent of it.  I read the account of the murder of Ferdahl Kukalai and I could not stop crying.  Not just the tragedy of it, but the facts of the  world we live in today.   She met with Raenilar and offered peace, a treaty, apologized for things she had no control over. He held a 600 year old grudge... and she was willing to accept responsibility for it!   And then he killed her... with a blade fashioned by a necromancer!  They are all horrible things, but not really what has me the most upset.

That worthless Baron was there for all of this!! He was at the peace talks, he fought against Raenilar!  Then the hypocrit married the Outcast princess anyway!!!  He sits up there in Theren and acts all holier than thou with his decrees and bannings but he married the sister of the man that killed our ferdahl with the blade of necromancer!  He acts as if they are some vile abominations, while sitting next to her.  And now, when it appears she has lost her mind, he plans to return her, but, it will not be him doing the returning, but his people.  He will stay in the keep, safe and sound and send others to do his dirty work.  

The hypocracy is unbelievable.  He sat in judgement of Her Grace for meeting with the Dragon Priest Emperor, like she was doing something that was a slap in the face to Therengia.  Last I checked, she did not marry some one whose brother killed Therengia's leader.  He had issues with Ilithi's stance on necromancers, while being married to the sister of the man that used a necromancer's blade.  Not to mention the fact that the HUMAN baron married the ELVEN princess... he set up Therengia to be under Outcast control, whether anyone cares to acknowledge that or not.

I adore Madigan and Marsais, and our friends in Therengia, I really do.  It breaks my heart to think they will be angry with Ilithi, but we do have something to celebrate.  Sending Majca back to the Outcasts is removing an insult to Ilithi, and worthy of a party. 

Some times, it gets wearing that so many people seem to be angry about things that I have not said, maybe it is time that I start actaully saying things... it would be nice to warrant the ire.

Oct. 2nd, 2011

Mining, Balls and Tidbits!

We are back in Ain, mining!!!  The mine is so pretty.  I think I say that almost constantly when we are here, but it really is.  There are these amazing caverns and formations, the pavilion is breathtaking... and there is something to be said about the sparks flying off the tip of the shovel when you smash it against things.  It is nice and peaceful too, the cave troll are a little annoying, but nothing a little innocence  and an avenger can't handle.  We really need to learn that banner spell that paladins do.  Paladins are so dreamy...

The White Rose had a ball last night.  It was a funny one, people had to dress as opposites, like the men as women and vice versa.  Allye was so perfect, a tie and a loincloth. And a BEARD!!!  Nesra won the contest for best dress female as a male, she was very proper!  Hank won for male as a female, but I have NO IDEA how they smooshed him into that gown.  It is a good thing Katjia is an empath or he will be all crooked for days. There was a contest for the worst pick up line too, so bad!   Uthgaar skipped this one, I am not sure he forgave me for the costume ball in Shard that we went to as eachother.  (He still has the best ankles)

I am a little worried, we left offereing for Berengaria, and she actually granted us orbs.  Maybe she did not look into us very much.  The more research we do, the more we seem to be rethinking things.  We will have to see where this leads.

In a few days we have the jousts, and then after, Commander Traim asked me to be the practice dummy for a one-shot contest.  I don't think he actually said practice dummy, but that is basically what it is.   I don't mind being a target, I think it will be a lot of fun.  Hopefully, Berengaria will not notice.

Sep. 29th, 2011

A New Beginning

I lost my ambassador journal. Honestly, the intentions were good with it, but the execution was an abysmal failure.  There is nothing to worry about if it is found tho, for the most part it was short lists of who people were that kind of degenerated into crude drawings of the backs of peoples heads.  Politics is not what I thought it would be, I do not hate it, I just... well. it is a disappointment.  I expected to have troubles, but not from the people that seem to be the biggest cause.  I supposed even friends can be enemies in politics.  

We had the best spar night tonight.  Usually we end up just running triage and watching the fights, but tonight we set them up to be 2 v 2 with one empath on each team.  Lancel was in charge, he likes getting to boss people around, and he is really good at running them.  It was kind of a carry over from the Hostile Healers lecture earlier in the week.  Ipkin and Garia won, but Allye came in a really close second with Kattena. She was amazing.  Uthgaar and I competed but when he went to protect me, Ipkin snuck in the middle and he ended up breaking his soul in the first round.  I feel bad because I seem to always do that to him, but it was still so much fun.  I will have to make him some cookies to make it up to him.  

It has been nice to do some empath centered events, we end up be accessories so often, that it is almost disheartening. 

The lecture went really well, the turn out was pretty good, and I did not trip over my tongue, and no one fell asleep.  All good things.  Allye helped me so much with the preparation, we are going to see about maybe presenting it in other provincese too, but, together instead of just me droning on.  Uthgaar even came, he said it was good, and I didn't hear snoring from behind his beard!

When we were doing research for the lecture we we traveling a little.  Allye and I seem to be drifting a lot, Hib and Ain... the mines in Ain are so beautiful.  There is so much I didn't know, amazing history to our guild and so many things left to discover.  We have talked about maybe doing more traveling, it is not easy tho, with our duties to the order, and mine to the court.  But, I think we can make it happen.   Just the things we have been learning in Hib make us want to find out so much more.   I am going to have to talk to Uthgaar, he travels so much himself I am sure he will not mind, he may even join us once in a while.

Something is different for sure, both Allye and I feel it.  We owe it to ourselves to find the answers.  I guess it seems like this is just the beginning... a new beginning.